Beautiful weather, the sun shinning.  Windows down, the warm breeze blowing in.  Mesmerizing music playing, my mind drifting, my heart pounding.  My right hand holding the wheel steady, my left out of the window, giving in to an impulsive need to feel the resistance of the wind against my skin.  My hair blowing around my face, the sun shinning in my eyes.  My thoughts silenced, my feelings echoed.  My spirit worshiping without words, my soul longing for more of Him.  My emotions at the surface, all my strength given to containing them.  The memories recalled by the scenery causes an attitude of thankfulness to fill me.  A drive home that brings my worries down to a calm place just for an instant, just what I needed.

Currently Listening Opposite Way By Leeland see related

a change of heart

A change of heart is exactly what I've been going through for the past few weeks... 

My plans a few weeks ago were to move home to Springfield at the end of April, to work and live with my brother and his family.  Yeah - those were my plans, but they have indeed changed. :)  I will be going home on the same flights that I had already booked, but I'll only be home for two months for the summer.  I'll be back in scotland the first week of July, working back at starbucks and hopefully moving into a flat.  I just realized that there are things here that God wants me to pursue.  There are doors that He's opened for me here and I realized that I would be making a mistake if I didn't stay to walk through them!!

So, that's a brief update on my current moving situation! lol

any questions...just email!! :)

Observations and Anger

The other day, on the bus home from work, I saw a sad thing.  An angry mother in her late 30's, and her 3(ish) year old son.  They got on the bus, and the mother was just being really rough with him!  She wouldn't even let him walk to their seat on his own.  She held his wrist tightly and practically lifted his whole body off the ground by his arm, jerking him along to follow her faster (as if speed from him was even a possibility).   No wonder he couldn't walk, his tip-toes were barely touching the ground!  She'd yell at him for it too, saying things like, "come ON!!  MOVE!!!"   She stood by their seat and kind of threw him in first and slammed him down in the chair right in front of me.  She shouted at him the entire ride home as well.  "Sit DOWN YOU!!" "TURN AROUND!!" "STOP THAT! OR YOUR GOING TO GET SMACKED!!!!", all with a tone of detest in her words.  He was the cutest thing too!  With blond hair, and big bright blue eyes that were slightly crossed - most likely from being hit over the head countless times by his raging mother...   He'd turn around sometimes and just stare at me.  I'd just stare back at him with a kind smile.  I felt as if he was asking me with his eyes to take him away somewhere else, anywhere else! 
I know that there are worst cases of mistreated children in the world, but this was one that was right in front of me.  I just felt bad for the kid!!  Wondering if he even knew what a soft, kind, loving touch was instead of being handled with and spoken to so harshly?  Why do parents take out their life's unhappiness and anger on their children, as if it's the child's fault for everything wrong and screwed up in their own lives?  It's not their fault!

Aside from the obvious wrong with that picture, it also makes me think about anger itself.  How do I allow anger to come out from me?  Well, I can think of plenty of times at work where I actually want to inflict large amounts of pain on ungrateful, rude, impatient, patronizing, idiotic customers.  Ah, man, I was actually ragin yesterday at this older woman who was all of those stated things, plus more!  Haha - she totally made a complaint after the fact about me too...which was a result of my own anger in that specific situation.  Dont worry, I have my just and right reasons...I can honestly say that she was in the wrong, but I still should have made room for more grace and peace to consume me in that moment than my 'just' anger.  I've been reading through, very slowly, "The Purpose Driven Life" by Rick Warren.  The other night I read about how if the Lord's presence and Holy Spirit is living and moving in us continually, than things like... anger... wont be our 'default' or natural reaction to difficult moments or people.  And it wasn't at first in that one moment with that one frustrating woman, but at the end of it all, my anger did win. 

Lord, help me to not to live and respond in anger, but in gentleness and grace.

Currently Listening On Letting Go By Circa Survive see related

        When I was in work yesterday, mark came in and reminded me that I needed to blog, that it had been too long...I agreed, and here I am.  'Little Miss Blogger.'    

    I dont blog as frequently as alot of other people for a few reasons, I didn't even know that I had reasons, but this is what I came up with once I started thinking about it.

   >Because there's usually absolutely 'nothing' going on in my head worth sharing with the rest of the internet world.

   >Because there's usually wayyyy too much on my mind and heart that it's often really difficult to put actual words to.  At the moment, it's trying to really take in my trip to Africa and the things that the country and God did in me in that time.  And more recently - my move home in April!  Yes, that's right, my flights are booked!   I'll be in Orlando for three days seeing some friends before flying upto springfield!!  Fyi.

   >Because when I write publicly, I really want it to be really me.  Not a good or better portrayal of 'Stephanie Killingswoth' and the things a good christian, missionary's kid, worship 'help-leader' girl who lives in a country far far away should blog about, but to be really really me in what I write.  It's like the song that Brad Paisley sings on his new album, "5th Gear" the song is 'online' and the more explanatory parts go...

"I work down at the Pizza Pit
And I drive an old Hyundai
I still live with my mom and dad
I'm 5 foot 3 and overweight
I'm a scifi fanatic
A mild asthmatic
And I've never been to second base
But there's whole ‘nother me
That you need to see
Go checkout MySpace"

(chorus)

"Online
I’m out in Hollywood
I’m 6 foot 5 and I look damn good
Even on a slow day
I could have a three way
Chat with two women at one time
I’m so much cooler online
Yeah, I’m cooler online
I’m so much cooler online
Yeah, I’m cooler online"

     haha - cracks me up!

   >Because the words of God are so amazing and powerful, that it's only even worth it write my own!!  Enough said on that...

   Yeah, that's all I got.  No more reasons...not important ones anyway. :)

So - there's my blog about my lack of blogging!  Maybe later in the near future I'll be able to better formulate my thoughts and try and convey them properly for the whole world to see.

Maybe.

(a party around the fire in Africa! 

-picture not shown anywhere else on the internet)

Uganda